Precursor

First, let me apologize for taking such a long break from #timtears.  Life has been a handful, and I have not been able to balance responsibility and hobby.  I hope to return to a weekly cadence soon.  The past two weeks I have been travelling.  First to Coachella (an annual music festival just outside of Palm Springs) then to New Orleans (a city in the fine state of Louisiana) and on to Fort Myers, Florida. (best known as the source of some of my closest friends and my sister’s wedding celebration) 

“Not all those who wander are lost” – J.R.R Tolkien

I’ve always enjoyed a good wander.  Or a meander.  An occasional jaunt.  Recently, I set out to walk the borders of Venice.  As a resident of LA, it’s my right and privilege to lament on the lack of seasons both as a means of expressing homesickness and reminding others in more challenging climates about the paradise I reside.  However on this walk, it was abundantly clear that Spring is indeed a season in LA and that it has indeed sprung.  Succulents stood proudly with juicy leaves.  Flowers seduced bees and lured hummingbirds with vibrant colors and sweet aromas.  The sound of baby birds and soft chirps coincided with mama-birds running errands.  Venice was buzzing, and it wasn’t with ghetto birds and sirens.  It was a gift to witness the perfect marriage of harmony and chaos.  Gift is the wrong word.  It felt as if I were part of it.  My presence, was acknowledged.  Nature carried on.

That feeling of being a part of something bigger.  The feeling of being connected and on a path had me reflecting about the other paths we lead.  The connections we forge.  And lose.  The comfort of a close friend, the familiarity and ease of a sibling, or the ephemeral bonds we share with strangers at an event, such as, a music festival are all chances to experience that harmony. (and chaos)

Sunflowers – always between living and dying

Peanut butter Vibes

A music festival can be a harrowing experience.  Coachella, although very well managed is still difficult.  It’s hot, and dusty and tens of thousands of people are trying to inhabit the exact same uninhabitable space you are.  Inevitably before every show starts there is the shuffle, the pushing, the foot stomping and the tripping.  Then, the lights dim and everything stops.  The crowd hushes.  An uproar from the crowd.  A multitude of mobile phones held in the air.  All followed by the first note and flash of the first light.  And with the first note, the uproar turns deafening as the artist begins the show.  The crowd slowly becomes One.  The person you thought you were bumping into you are now in seeming unity with.  Singing, dancing, and fist pumping to your favorite jams.  The idea of sixty thousand people agreeing on one thing can be very powerful.

There were some powerful moments at Coachella this year.  Porter Robinson’s set shattered and reassembled my soul.  Charles Bradley transformed a passerby crowd  into an epic, outdoor version of Soul Train.  However, my favorite musical moment of Coachella had nothing to do with the Crowd and everything to do with the Crew.

The first time I heard “Gooey” by Glass Animals was Day of the Dead 2014.  I’m pretty sure the song was on repeat for an hour.  We danced.  At a party in San Diego we imagined ourselves underwater.  And danced.  It’s the backbone to one of the greatest spotify playlists I have access to (Feel) and has been played at least twice at every party we’ve had since October.  It all translates into hours of memories.  At Coachella, we banded together and went to see Glass Animals perform.  30 minutes in and “Gooey” drops.  Hearing the first note and locking eyes with my friends as we collectively realize what is about to happen was so heartwarming.  We formed one big circle and with our arms around each other spun in a circle.  Ten of us in a crowd of thousands.  Spinning, laughing and dancing.  Traditions steeped in love are incredibly powerful.

Family Ties

Growing up in New York, in an Italian family, I’m slightly familiar with tradition.  Sundays, we eat massive amounts of spaghetti and meatballs.  Easter – it’s ‘Easter Pie’ and a competitive egg hunt.  Christmas Eve we eat fish.  Not that all of our traditions are food related, we play football on Thanksgiving, poker at every family gathering and the July 4th volleyball tournament.  Living in California, I miss most of these traditions now.  My Dad always said “People always get together at weddings and funerals.”  I was glad to be celebrating a wedding and not mourning at a funeral.

It’s beautiful to watch my family and each of their own respective families.  To see traditions from my childhood be carried through to the next generation.  And, to see them build their own traditions.  Jocelynn and Erik (my sister and my new brother-in-law) are starting a new chapter.  The wedding was wonderful.  I really enjoyed watching how Jocelynn and Erik interact.  Seeing the two of them in love, committed and elated to commit to each other was heart-warming.

As I sat in the Dallas airport, eating a quesadilla, I took stock of the weekend.  I was most taken aback by how easy it all was.  We haven’t all been together in almost 2 years, and yet it was if we never parted.  Family runs deep.

Ghosts of relationships past

The world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  Things break.  People break.  These psychic knots we have tied can be undone.  They will be undone.

I recently heard a podcast discussing the idea of ‘ghost limbs’.  Oversimplifying: people that have lost limbs retain the ‘feeling’ of having that limb.  Imagine losing your arm but still feeling the weight of it, the way it swings as you walk.  A study was conducted to find the similarity between the reported cases and uncover psychologically what is happening.  The study found that ghost limbs are very much like real limbs.  Each is entirely unique to the individual.  I wonder if our relationships are similar.  Are we all walking around holding onto ghost relationships?  It feels that way.  It also feels like some of these are easier to hold onto than others.  Severing a relationship is never easy, but, perhaps the most scarring is caused when there is no warning.  An unexpected death, a partner leaving, or a job lost.  (I’m old enough to have experienced all of the above)  The scars of these wounds can blind us to reality and lead us to forge faulty future relationships.  But, remember, every ghost is unique.  Control is an illusion.  The best we can do is create a nurturing environment for our relationships to grow.  Both in ourselves and for others.

Spring is here. Get out and be a part of something bigger.  Create a new tradition.  Help love grow.  Let life spring from death.